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Ancona
13th May 2009, 15:23
I posted this in another forum, but thought I would share it here as well. I just returned from a “quick turn” trip from Central Florida to Houston and back, and want to share the experience I had, because this trip reaffirmed my belief that there is a God, and he is good. My day began with a 04:30 wake up for a quick shower and a ride over to Orlando from the coast to catch a 7:00am flight. The drive was uneventful, with the wife and I in an early morning daze, not saying much and listening to the radio. Once at the airport, I breezed through security because I am a participant in the “Clear Traveler” program [Clear.com] and took the tram to “A” Terminal to await my flight.

I booked the flight at the last minute, so there were only a few seats left, and I ended up in the dreaded middle seat, somewhere near the back of the aircraft. When they called for boarding, I proceeded to the sheep stall to wait my turn. As I boarded the plane, there was a gigantic woman trying to squeeze into the bathroom [already] at the front of the plane, and she held up the line for almost five minutes, because she was literally to big to fit. After some grunting and complaining, she shoe-horned her gelatinous, corpulent mass of a body into the toilet cubicle and the line began to move again. I got to my seat, sat down, dutifully clasped my seatbelt into place and pulled out my magazine to read.

An older gentleman, who looked as though he hadn’t showered since last spring approached with his ticket, looked at the window seat, looked at the numbers on the overhead and decided that he had found the right seat. He stuffed his oversized carry-on in the bin and clambered over me to sit down. As he passed me, I couldn’t help but notice that it smelled as if this guy had just **** himself prior to boarding. Thoroughly disgusted, I gave him the stink-eye and turned up my AC vent to try and blow the stench the other way. When I finished, I turned back to look at the aisle, just in time to see Jabba the Hut approaching with a quizzical look on her face, sort of squinting at the numbers then staring at her ticket. Before I could muster a prayer to our merciful God to have her sit anywhere else, she plopped down her forty pound purse in the seat and started stuffing her carryon in the overhead bin.

At this point, I am nearly in a panic, unsure that I can endure the trial that lay before me and looking desperately for a stewardess to see about an emergency seat change. Before I know it, Jabba is wedging her enormous mass into the speck of a seat beside me, actually bending the armrest about three inches into my body, and forcing me that much closer to Uncle ****-My Pants. Her body odor was nearly as overwhelming as her size, and was beginning to co-mingle with the stench to my left and my head was beginning to spin.

The Stewardess finally came to our area, and was already prepared with not one, but two seatbelt extensions. Before she could escape, I politely asked if there was another seat…..anywhere. Sensing my predicament, she said “Let me look up front, and I’ll come back and let you know”. During my prayer, asking God to provide for me this one time, and deliver me from Hell, I couldn’t help but see just how huge this woman was. Her giant legs were at least thirty five inches in circumference, and actually pressed into the seat in front of her, precluding the possibility of that passenger to tilt his seat back. Her stomach and midsection extended so far out that to lay down the tray table would be impossible. I am quite certain that this was the largest human being I had ever seen outside of the Jerry Springer Show.

The stewardess reappeared with the news I was dreading, “Sir, we have a full flight today…..I’m really sorry”. So this was it……..I had to sit between these two sorry excuses for human beings for two hours, on the day that I am to meet with NASA officials about another contract at Johnson Space Center……Nice!

I tried to get as comfortable as I could, and resigned myself to the idea that I would be wedged solidly between these two people for two and a half hours, and would most likely absorb the body odors of both of them before it was over. Jabba was sweating quite profusely from the ordeal of sitting down, and I could feel it on my arm, as her body was crushed up against mine and I couldn’t move.

I heard them pull the door closed in preparation for takeoff and out of nowhere the stewardess reappeared. “Sir, we had a no-show and I found you a seat” she said with a broad toothy smile. Halleluiah! “Jabba looked like she was going to stroke out, as she jostled and scooted to get her enormous body back into standing position. Three full minutes later, I popped out of my seat and followed the Stewardess down the aisle, free at last.

We kept walking all the way up, up, up front…..to first class! When I sat down, the Stewardess left without a word, and returned with two hot, steaming hand towels and said, “I thought you could use these”. She winked at me, smiled and proceeded to the front and began the safety instructions.

I slowly wiped the stench of Jabba and Uncle ****-My-Pants off of my skin, closed my eyes and thanked God for answering my prayers.

akak
13th May 2009, 16:07
Wow, was that funny!

I have often seen these travellers-from-Hell while waiting in line to board an airplane, but as I do not fly very often, I have been lucky enough to never have had to sit next to one, much less two of them! I am glad you were able to escape!

SeekrBrnEvryMin
13th May 2009, 17:11
When God answers prayer, I've found that it's usually connected to a lesson.

Perhaps you should travel first class on business!

LoboNoches
13th May 2009, 17:58
Just remember my friend that God answers all prayers,it's just that sometimes the answer is no.Glad you you got out of that scrap and yes there are lessons to learn. A: Fly first class on business,B:Know there are people worse off than you like the unfortunate soul that could have had that seat instead of you or being one of those unfortunate souls being ridiculed mmmm

maplesilverbug
13th May 2009, 22:05
Will any god do, or does it have to be a specific deity?

Trvlr45
14th May 2009, 00:35
That was halarious. I have had similar experiences, rarely, but nothing quite that nasty although this is pretty damn close.

Try sitting down to have breakfast and right as your food arrives some huge 375lb truck driver with an ass as wide as a house with pants slid half way down bends over to talk to someone opposite of you and you're literally staring at about 300lbs of crack inches from your face.

fansubs_ca
14th May 2009, 02:40
Ug! And I thought busses (at least Winnipeg Transit) were bad at times!
(My area is OK, but in the south end of the city, a bus ride is definatley
_not_ worth the fare or the hassle!)

Strictly speaking I'd ask to be let off that plane, I've learned that what
is noxious in the first minute will after a few more minutes become
debilitating if you don't escape the area. After a few hours who knows
what would happen. (I was once for a few minutes in the vacinity of a
hobo that smelled so bad I was literally unable to think clearly for the
next several hours! That's from only being in his vacinity for a few
minutes!) Clearly the stench is an act of terrorism and he shouldn't
have been let past security. ^_-

As for the overweight woman, if she's bending the armrest you aren't
getting the full space you paid for. Perhaps she should either travel
in one of these:

http://www.pods.com

Or walk to get enough excercise to get her weight down. Yes, I'm
suggesting she walk from FL to TX! Feel the burn!

Yabezlas
14th May 2009, 18:08
Thanks Ancona, for posting that tale. You are a great story teller. I thought I was going to fart! I have had a similar experience and almost died. My family and I went down Monday for the Atlantis launch, it was great.

hiyosilver
15th May 2009, 00:22
I'm thinking that anyone who has a "deliverance" story that good probably has had several in his life, and I'll bet you can testify to that.... I've had many... Some humorous, and some very serious, but they do indeed speak volumes of His care and protection of us, and the way He uses us many times to the benefit of others.